I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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