My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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