hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
