i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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