cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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