fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
