Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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