i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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