John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
