My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
