I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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