I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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