god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
