my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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