Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
