I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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