apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
