I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
