I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
