Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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