You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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