6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
