i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
