i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
