Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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