ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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