mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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