god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
