We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
