If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
