I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
