OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Are we still banned from the library?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
