It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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