Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
