wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
