we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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