If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
