Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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