yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
