3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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