I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Nicole vs. Life
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
