i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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