You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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