I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
