Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Randomize
