So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
