Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
