I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
