Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
