My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
