Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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