I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
we're so committed to being not committed
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