the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
our cab driver is having phone sex.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
