Please, let me fuck your mom
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
