if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
